You're in an enviable position if you think you've found your match. Maybe you've been together for 2 weeks, maybe it's been 8 years, but if
marriage is a goal for both of you, when is the best time to make that happen?
As idiosyncratic as romantic couples and their experiences are, scientists who study relationship processes are aware of questions that couples grapple with as the consider their future: When should a dating couple get married? After two years? After 5? If you know it's right after 3 months, is there reason to wait? In other words, if dating is an important part of determining if someone is right for you, after how long will you have enough information to know?
Researchers at Emory University surveyed over 3000 people in the United States who are or have been married about various aspects of their wedding, their dating, and their engagement (Francis-Tan & Mialon, 2015). Although they focused their study on the costs of a wedding, they included other factors predicting marital dissolution.
Compared to dating less than 1 year before a marriage proposal, dating 1-2 years significantly dropped the future likelihood of divorce... about 20% lower at any given time point. Dating 3 or more years decreased the likelihood of divorce at a greater rate, to about 50% lower at any given time point. This suggests that it can be helpful to have at least a few years together first, prior to entering a marriage.
But, these suggested time frames can't possibly apply to everyone. If a couple meets at age 21, that's different from 31, which provides a different context from 41. Further, some couples meet as strangers, while others have been friends for a long time prior to introducing any romantic element. Adding some clarity, the perception of knowing a partner "very well" at the time of marriage reduced the likelihood of divorce by 50% at any given time point as well. The subjective judgment of knowing someone well needn't correlate with time.
Instead of focusing on how long you've been dating, consider other ways to evaluate whether you're both ready for marriage. For example:
1. Do you view marriage as a relationship re-boot? Your wedding might be magical, but becoming married isn't a magical experience that will change an unstable, unhealthy relationship into a stable, healthy one. One reason some couples experience sharp declines in satisfaction during the first two years of marriage (Huston et al., 2001) may be because marriages was entered into as a way to change a relationship, leading to disillusionment and disappointment.
2. Do you know many sides of each other?
One problem that can detour a marriage that seems to be headed in the right direction is the introduction of unexpected new knowledge about a partner. Do you know, for example, how your partner thinks about and values money? How he or she would approach being a parent? Learning more about your partner now might ward off common sources of conflict later (Stanley, Markham, & Whitton, 2002)
3. How happy do you think you'll be? Recent research suggests that expected future satisfaction translates to current relationship commitment, to doing necessary relationship work, and, ultimately, to less risk of divorce (Baker, McNulty, & VanderDrift, 2017). In other words, don't discount your assessment of future
happiness: it's tied to underlying processes you're doing now that will later affect relationship well-being.
4. Any signs of "fatal attractions"?
Sometimes, what attracts us to a certain person can ultimately become what drives us nuts about the person. Research (Felmee, 1995) examining these "fatal attractions" has discovered that they often take a certain form. When a partner is dissimilar in a specific way or has traits that are extreme ("she's super enthusiastic!" "he's a super-marathoner!"), we sometimes see these as highly attractive qualities during relationship initiation but then, later, they become highly disliked qualities that can reduce relationship happiness. Prior to entering a long-term commitment, consideration of you and your partner's long term compatibility along dimensions that connected you could be an important step at identifying potential "fatal attractions."
5. Do you expect that things will be different in marriage? Before you get married, how does your relationship typically operate? Are you a low- or high-conflict couple? Countering the idea that marriage launches new experiences that introduce declines in satisfaction, Huston and colleagues (2001) found that what happens early in a couple's life together, tends to happen later, too. In support for this enduring dynamics model, they observed that levels of negativity are generally stable in couples over time, but that increases in disillusionment differentiates couples that stay together versus fall apart.
6. Do you want to test out your relationship first by living together? It's common today for couples to live together before marriage, but their reasons for doing so appear to predict how happy their marriage is later. When couples use cohabitation to test out a relationship, or cohabitate for practical reasons (e.g., finances), they tend to report less dedication to their relationships and less relationship confidence. Should the arrangement transition to marriage, these initial uncertainties could help explain why cohabitation before marriage sometimes leads to less marital satisfaction (Kamp, Cohan, & Amato, 2003). Couples who are already highly committed and cohabitate for other reasons - e.g., to spend more time together - might be better posed to move towards marriage.
In sum, a one-size fits all time frame for when couples are ready to transition to a greater commitment like marriage isn't appropriate. Couples enter into relationships at different ages and stages in their lives; however, evaluating how well you know your partner, your relationship certainty, what you're expecting marriage will do to your relationship, and what you see as the current and anticipated quality of a relationship could be more useful ways to judge if it's time to take the plunge.
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