How to Be Powerful in Relationship

Many people believe that when they are hurt by their partner, their emotional reaction is the responsibility of their partner. This is a very common misunderstanding, and it is at the root of many relationship problems, leading to chronic dysfunction and to very painful breakups.

I am 100% responsible for my emotional reactions, and my wife, Cindy, is 100% responsible for her physical and verbal actions. If she says or does something that hurts me, she is responsible for her words and actions, but I am responsible for my response, including my emotional reaction.

This is very important to understand. By taking full responsibility for my emotional reactions, I am able to honor my needs, protect my boundaries, take adaptive action, and not project disowned parts of myself onto Cindy. For example, if she says something and it hurts, I am able to say:

1. When you said “You’re always late!”,
2. I imagined that you don’t appreciate how much effort I put into being on time,
3. and because I need to be appreciated by you,
4. I felt sadness.

Whether or not Cindy meant to hurt me in step 1, and whether or not these words would hurt anyone else, the above steps decouple what she said or did from what I can be aware of, advocate for, and learn from in myself. I am then able tease-out what actually happened. I am the only person that can do this, since I am the only one who knows about steps 2, 3, and 4, which all happen inside of me.

By doing this, I am empowering myself to take adaptive action in the relationship, by using the hurt to fully communicate my thoughts, needs, and feelings. In this way, I empower Cindy to learn more about me, and to potentially adapt her behavior so that I get hurt less in the future.

In reality, what usually happens is that Cindy did not intend to hurt me, and that by becoming aware of all these steps, and expressing them, I actually discover that I no longer find her words hurtful; I see them for what they are, which is often a less-than-optimal expression of hurt.

On the other hand, if my wife was actually a malicious narcissist, by following the above pattern I would very quickly discover that she is not interested in my feelings, or thoughts, or needs, and then I could take adaptive action, such as leaving the relationship.

Contrast this with the more common, but less adaptive, way of being in relationship. If I were operating from that frame, I might say instead,

“I’m not always late! You’re so mean and nasty.”

Here, I’m making her responsible for my feelings, my emotional reaction, and for everything else in the interaction. I’m making her the perpetrator and myself the victim. There is nothing else for me to do since I have given away all of my power. I am a helpless victim, and she is responsible for the feelings, thoughts, and needs that are hidden within me.